Family

Family? What is family?

For me family are people who accept

us for our quirks and love us anyways.

People who despite our differences,

enjoy spending time around us.

Families are people who are intentionally

involved in our lives even when it is not

easy or convenient for them necessarily.

In my case these attributes are exhibited

most genuinely in my friends who have

become our family and I am eternally

grateful and humbled by this.

Christmas Spirit

I wonder what is Christmas Spirit

and how do I get this Christmas

Spirit.

I imagine it to be feeling rested,

calm, joyous, generous, loving

and kind.

I have not felt rested since I

was twelve, seriously... I

remember it explicitly I

woke up and felt like I could

tackle the day!

This WAS 19 years ago,

The closest I come now is not

having a bunch of things scheduled

and having what we call PJ days.

The spirit of Christmas

Okay, so I'm just not feeling the spirit of Christmas.

I don't have the time to rest and rejuvinate let alone

get into the spirit of anything.

That just feels like one more thing to do.

I'm TIRED of doing something, I feel like my

life is one long series of something else I have

to do.

Even in saying that I feel selfish, I know there

are worst things out there

Feeling Selfish

Sometimes-I admit it-I am a selfish person.

Each and every time my selfishness rears

its ugly head I am surprised.

Why? I don't really know, I guess I thought

that at some point in life I would stop being

selfish. Well so far that has not happened.

I am human and fallible, I want what I want and

I want it NOW.

BUY! BUY! BUY!

I feel overwhelmed by the amount of advertisement

that is trying to get me to buy buy buy.

It is couched in warm and friendly ways such as

buy this for your friends, family, coworkers, or

because you deserve this. I do feel the tug of it,

if I love, or care about my friends and family

I will buy this for them or get them something

they deserve.

I don't believe that love is shown by what

I get some one. If this was the case I would

be several hundreds of thousands of dollars

in debt "showing" my friends and family how

much I care and love them.

I believe love and caring is shown by being

present with friends and family when they

are going through their day-to-day struggles.

It is important to be present with friends and

family in the mundane doldrum of the days

and trying to love on them no matter what.

Anxiety

I am grateful that my husband is different then me.

I am an anxious person, this is something
that in and of itself incites anxiety in me.
That is the general nature of anxiety, the fact
that you feel anxious is in and of itself anxiety
provoking. It can be a viscous cycle if you let
it over take you. I mean that literally, at a
certain point it feels like you have no control
over the anxiety, that it just comes in waves
paralyzing its recipient.

IF I LET it overtake me it will is the main
point of this all. I mainly experience anxiety
when I don't know the outcome of something
or I don't know how its going to go or my role
in it. I know that I do not like "not knowing"
I've always said that is the worst part and I
stand by that. I come from the stand point
that if I know then I can handle whatever it is

Its also about control, my NEED to know is my
way of controlling the outcome.

Interesting enough this worked decently when
I was single, however the need to know and control
does not work quite as well when two are becoming
one or trying to become one. My love does not have
this same need to know or control and for this I am
grateful. We are both independent and know how
we like doing things and how things "should" be done
according to each one of our exacting standards.

Luckily my husband is very understanding and kind,
he is capable of gently reminding me in a way that I can
hear that I'm trying to control something or that I'm
becoming unnecessarily anxious.

uninspired

Feeling very uninspired, unmotivated and questioning
whether I am making a difference in peoples lives.

If I am making a difference in peoples lives, how is this
shown, do they change their behavior? or is it about
planting a seed that may or may not blossom in the future?

How do I keep this in mind, and remember that its not
about me and that even if I can just plant a seed that is worth it.

Does what I do matter?

connectedness

~yes I do realize the irony of this post~

Is it all too much, facebook, twitter, TweetDeck, blogging,
cell phones, and 3-5 email accounts (one for junk, one for
personal, one for work and ones I've forgotten about)

I don't know if this connectedness is REAL connectedness or
just a modicum and or reason to truly stay dis connected from
ourselves, each other and God.

Maybe it is an excuse to say that we are TRYING even though
these forms of "communication" are in actuality the least
intimate of them all.

However, I choose to use this as a place to record my thoughts
although I do express them to friends and family as well.

Today I am grateful for acupuncture and a loving husband
who made the acupuncture happen, stress because it lets
me know whats going on in my body, aches that let me know
I'm alive, the ability to write, the ability to read wonderful
books and a strengthening faith.

Birth day

So I feel as if I should write some introspective
thoughts on the last year this being my birth day and all

I in actuality have no introspective thoughts for
the last year.

I am continuing to grow more and more grateful
as I explore gratefulness in my life

Today I am grateful for being alive, when I was
born I was 3lbs 2oz and my first bed was a drawer
in a dresser, after I got out of the hospital.

I am grateful for the 31 years that I've lived,
not all of the moments have been good, but
I wouldn't change a thing about my last 31 years.

I have been questioned are you starting to feel old?
Most days the answer is an unequivocal no, however
on the rare days when I wake with a knot in a shoulder,
or have trouble standing back up after stooping down a
yes would suffice.

I am grateful today for birthday wishes, kind words,
people singing me happy birthday, beautiful weather,
my husband who cooked me a wonderful dinner and
great friends!

Grateful

Grateful for
hurriedly cleaning my house so friends can stop by,
warm showers, cold drinking water, good books, money
management and Monday Night Football

The Little things

a large crock pot
stew
rain
coffee
being able to cook

Sometimes it is hard to find things to be grateful for

Not that there aren't plenty of things or reasons to be grateful.

I'm just not in a very grateful mind set at the moment.

I'm more in a place of why do bad things happen to good people

But this is not a good question to torture myself with, as there
is no answer that would satisfy me.

Grateful

I am grateful for funny music

Wonderful coworkers

The weekend

Sunny skies

Cool Weather

A healthy dog

Giving

I wonder at times if I have anything left to give.

I wonder if I come off harsh or unforgiving.

I wonder where grace comes into this;

grace for myself and grace for others

Trying

Okay, people that appear or present themselves

as helpless really bother me.

I wonder what this says about me and

I wonder what it says

about how I view feeling helpless.

If I cannot accept this in other people it

is very likely that I do

not accept this emotion in myself.

Maybe this is a major force behind me wanting to fix things...

There is a major part of me that reacts against anyone

trying to get me to do things for them that

they can do for themselves.

I feel like it puts me in an awkward place

and it puts me in a place of

control or power over someones live,

a control or power that I do not want.

Grateful

Definition
Main Entry: grate·ful
Pronunciation: \ˈgrāt-fəl\
Function: adjective
Etymology: obsolete grate pleasing, thankful,
from Latin gratus — more at grace
Date: 1552
grate·ful·ly \-fə-lē\ adverb

grate·ful·ness noun

1 a : appreciative of benefits received b : expressing gratitude 2 a : affording pleasure or contentment : pleasing
b : pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated

No where in the above definition is grateful identified as a verb.
Well I believe that being grateful is a verb and that in todays world being grateful
takes intention and action. So in my attempt to live up to my own definition I want to
use this blog as a place not only to express myself and my ramblings but as a place to acknowledge my "being grateful-ness"

I am grateful that I have a husband who is respectful, kind, loving,
caring and thoughtful.
I am grateful for the opportunity to truly share in life with other people.
I am grateful for peoples willingness to share their stories
and thus their very souls with me.

Mis-speaking

Sometimes I mis-speak, I put things too strongly and too bluntly.

I spoke to a friend yesterday and said a warning "Don't get too involved,
they will chew you up and spit you out." While a much more effective statement
would be "i'm feeling like this place is using people and I'm trying to figure out
where that fits in."

Also I would like to extend grace and forgiveness to all involved and to take
responsibility in some small fashion to gain answers rather than just assuming.

I know that this is a ramble and not very clear but bear with me and give me
grace and forgiveness as I try to extend this to others and myself.

musings

Its been an interesting day so far but I came up with this idea

"The church" and being a part of "the church; any church" is a continual ACT of forgiveness.

Is the church like family; full of people who do not always do the right thing.

Or is it about doing the right thing whatever that may be or is it about being transparent
while not always being perfect or doing the right thing

Bad blogger, bad blogger

I haven't posted in two years, how crazy is that.

I've been a bit busy, graduating with my masters degree.

I met my love 15 days after my last post in 2007.

We were engaged January 1st, 2008 and married August 10th, 2008.

It was a really busy year but we are enjoying it!

Hopefully I'll be able to post more often!