inevitably the question persists...why does God allow bad things to happen?
The assumption for me is that God is all-powerful, all knowing, ever-present.
Then why didn't he stop the terrible things that happened to me?
That question screams at me from the depths of my pain, why did he not protect me, as my own mother did not. Why didn't HE intervene?
The inevitable conclusion is that HE didn't intervene because he doesn't care or love me.
However I do not believe this to be true I believe that HE does and did care and that HIS heart broke when he saw what happened to me.
This leads me to the conclusion that HE is not all powerful and cannot stop things-even this is unacceptable to me. God has to be more powerful than I for him to be God and for Him to have CREATED the world.
In a book titled "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner a beautiful story is woven about our humaness that pain and free will are what makes us human and humane. That God did not want puppets on strings.
Kushner quotes that "Only human beings can find meaning in their pain." this is given to us by God which is a relief to me. Kushner also states that "... if Man is truly free to choose, if he can show himself as being virtuous by freely choosing the good when the bad is equally possible then he has to be free to choose the bad also. If he were only free to do good, he would not really be choosing. If we are bound to do good, then we are not free to choose it." I value my ability to choose freely and to choose good most of the time, however I have come to realize that although I may choose things that are good there are many people who will choose evil and this can and does inflict evil upon others.
According to Kushner and I agree "our moral freedom means that, if we choose to be selfish or dishonest, we can be selfish and dishonest, and God will not stop us."..."All He will do is tell us that certain things are wrong, warn us that we will be sorry for having done them, and hope that if we don't take His word for it, we will at least learn from the experience."
God has given us our freedom to do morally good things like help our fellow human beings but the flip side of this is that this is also the freedom to hurt our fellow man. God gives us room to be human "... our being human leaves us free to hurt eachother, and God can't stop us without taking away the freedom that makes us human."
How beautiful.
It is a comfort to know that God does not cause evil. He allows freedom and human beings sometimes do evil things.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Being unmarried
So I was talking to a friend last night, about the ongoing spiritual awakening I'm enjoying right now. I was talking to her about being single and how I wonder if I'm ever going to like someone again in that way and at the same time they feel similar for me. I was telling her how I just can't see it happening, I can't see myself getting really into someone and them liking me as well. I then had the thought, well of course I can't see it, I am a human being and while I can't imagine it happening-God will take care of it. He can see it and it is going to have to come from him if it is going to be anything worth devoting my energy and time to.
That actually give me a degree of comfort, knowing that I don't have to see how it could happen, or how it might happen-God does and thats enought for me.
That actually give me a degree of comfort, knowing that I don't have to see how it could happen, or how it might happen-God does and thats enought for me.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Musings
I have loads of time at work right now, at least until school starts which is coming up very very soon. So I'll blog while I can.
Since the beginning of the year (yes I know ten WHOLE days ago) I have been doing a devotional. My pattern has been to start this and then not to maintain it throughout the year. Sometimes my follow through on certain things is not so consistent.
I really enjoy the devotional, it helps me to have a different perspective on life and to keep my focus on God where it needs to be rather than on the things of this world. Each time I read something; it speaks directly to me or something I have recently gone through. I struggle with trusting God to take care of me, although he always has, I struggle with trusting that I am right where God wants me right now otherwise I would be some place else. I fret about being single and if its EVER GOING TO END! I start to question whether there is something wrong with me, why does it seem that everyone else is in a relationship but me? I know thats not true but boy does it feel like it. I question what other people (who are in relationships) have that I don't have and how to "get" whatever it is they have. The question comes down to "What is WRONG with me?"
So in saying all that I wanted to look up some scripture about my identity in Christ, which is always a struggle for me and some scripture about God's character. In doing so I read Colossians 1:22:22But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—
and replaced it with my name so it reads like this:
Now he has reconciled Crystal by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight without blemish and free from accusation.
I had read this before but somehow I really got the "without blemish" part. God sees me without blemish! How beautiful is that? Although I am full of blemish God doesn't see me that way, in his eyes I AM WITHOUT BLEMISH! I just finally got that, and its really a comforting thing to know that I am seen as without blemish.
Since the beginning of the year (yes I know ten WHOLE days ago) I have been doing a devotional. My pattern has been to start this and then not to maintain it throughout the year. Sometimes my follow through on certain things is not so consistent.
I really enjoy the devotional, it helps me to have a different perspective on life and to keep my focus on God where it needs to be rather than on the things of this world. Each time I read something; it speaks directly to me or something I have recently gone through. I struggle with trusting God to take care of me, although he always has, I struggle with trusting that I am right where God wants me right now otherwise I would be some place else. I fret about being single and if its EVER GOING TO END! I start to question whether there is something wrong with me, why does it seem that everyone else is in a relationship but me? I know thats not true but boy does it feel like it. I question what other people (who are in relationships) have that I don't have and how to "get" whatever it is they have. The question comes down to "What is WRONG with me?"
So in saying all that I wanted to look up some scripture about my identity in Christ, which is always a struggle for me and some scripture about God's character. In doing so I read Colossians 1:22:22But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—
and replaced it with my name so it reads like this:
Now he has reconciled Crystal by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight without blemish and free from accusation.
I had read this before but somehow I really got the "without blemish" part. God sees me without blemish! How beautiful is that? Although I am full of blemish God doesn't see me that way, in his eyes I AM WITHOUT BLEMISH! I just finally got that, and its really a comforting thing to know that I am seen as without blemish.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Holidays
so its been awhile since I've written. I get very busy this time of year as we all do.
From about my birthday through the end of the year its always an intense race for the finish line.
This year I took off from 12-22 through the first of the year. Thats the longest I've taken off of both work and school. It was weird to say the least. I am one of those people that is always asking "What do I DO now?" "What's next on my list?" "Can I be doing something now to help me in the future?" So my days were spent trying to clean my apartment and not doing a very good job of it, hanging with friends and family-which was great! I then got sick and flew to see my 17 month old niece who is amazing if I do say so myself. When I flew out I had a 103 fever, which is high and odd. Those are the kind of fevers you get when you are a child and someone can take care of you cuz you can't think straight.
Well, as a 28 year old adult I got one of "those" fevers and GOT ON A PLANE-not a good idea. I was congested and miserable, thank goodness it was only a short flight, but my ears stayed clogged for TWO days. I got to my families house and my mommy took care of me, I am grateful for that. I am glad that I wasn't at my place by myself cuz it was one of those sicknesses that I couldn't even think straight. All I wanted to do was be comfortable, even if that meant not breaking my fever. Thank goodness for my mom cuz while I was under the covers I could whine to here that I was hot and she say "Stay under the covers" and I'd grumble and do what she said. It worked and I broke my fever which made me feel a lot better.
It is always difficult on me to go see my family. It is difficult on me because my life is so different than theres. If I want to go somewhere I get in my car and go without worrying about it breaking down. I come home to quiet and peace unless I've decided otherwise. Life is just much different for me than they. Their mindset is one of being beaten down and not having any options, although I know they do, one of unfairness, bigotry, indirectness and should and should nots. All this to say that they are not bad people, good people in fact, but they have made some poor choices. I use to think that I would NEVER make choices like theirs, but alas that is not true. I like my sister have stayed in a relationship because it was a relationship and I was scared to be alone. I too have not taken very good care of myself before recent years much like my mother and didn't understand the importance of it. I wonder if we are not all that different; my family and I; maybe our perspectives are different. Sometimes I feel guilty after visiting them because comparitively I have so much more than they in many areas. I have dependable means of transportation, a good secure job, no major health problems. I think the saddest thing to me is that I don't see them as having supportive people in their lives. Many of their friends are in similar places as they and handle things much the same way-reactionary rather than proactively.
In my want to help them I want to DO something to go tell them what they should do, what they need to do to have a better life. I have done this and it does not work in fact they dig their heels in even more because they feel like I am looking down on them, when I feel like I am trying to help them to do some things differently. In the last few years I've tried to not tell them how to do life differently but to love them where they are and support them when I can and to love them no matter what their choices are. I hope that this is enough.
From about my birthday through the end of the year its always an intense race for the finish line.
This year I took off from 12-22 through the first of the year. Thats the longest I've taken off of both work and school. It was weird to say the least. I am one of those people that is always asking "What do I DO now?" "What's next on my list?" "Can I be doing something now to help me in the future?" So my days were spent trying to clean my apartment and not doing a very good job of it, hanging with friends and family-which was great! I then got sick and flew to see my 17 month old niece who is amazing if I do say so myself. When I flew out I had a 103 fever, which is high and odd. Those are the kind of fevers you get when you are a child and someone can take care of you cuz you can't think straight.
Well, as a 28 year old adult I got one of "those" fevers and GOT ON A PLANE-not a good idea. I was congested and miserable, thank goodness it was only a short flight, but my ears stayed clogged for TWO days. I got to my families house and my mommy took care of me, I am grateful for that. I am glad that I wasn't at my place by myself cuz it was one of those sicknesses that I couldn't even think straight. All I wanted to do was be comfortable, even if that meant not breaking my fever. Thank goodness for my mom cuz while I was under the covers I could whine to here that I was hot and she say "Stay under the covers" and I'd grumble and do what she said. It worked and I broke my fever which made me feel a lot better.
It is always difficult on me to go see my family. It is difficult on me because my life is so different than theres. If I want to go somewhere I get in my car and go without worrying about it breaking down. I come home to quiet and peace unless I've decided otherwise. Life is just much different for me than they. Their mindset is one of being beaten down and not having any options, although I know they do, one of unfairness, bigotry, indirectness and should and should nots. All this to say that they are not bad people, good people in fact, but they have made some poor choices. I use to think that I would NEVER make choices like theirs, but alas that is not true. I like my sister have stayed in a relationship because it was a relationship and I was scared to be alone. I too have not taken very good care of myself before recent years much like my mother and didn't understand the importance of it. I wonder if we are not all that different; my family and I; maybe our perspectives are different. Sometimes I feel guilty after visiting them because comparitively I have so much more than they in many areas. I have dependable means of transportation, a good secure job, no major health problems. I think the saddest thing to me is that I don't see them as having supportive people in their lives. Many of their friends are in similar places as they and handle things much the same way-reactionary rather than proactively.
In my want to help them I want to DO something to go tell them what they should do, what they need to do to have a better life. I have done this and it does not work in fact they dig their heels in even more because they feel like I am looking down on them, when I feel like I am trying to help them to do some things differently. In the last few years I've tried to not tell them how to do life differently but to love them where they are and support them when I can and to love them no matter what their choices are. I hope that this is enough.
Friday, November 10, 2006
OMG
Can I just say that I'm not sure that today can get much more stressful. I have class this weekend which makes my week soo much longer. I have class on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday of this week. Well on the way to class well actually on the way home from work My brakes started to act funny. AGAIN! Everything has been replaced, actually in February of this year. This is the brake pads, drums, calipers, master cylinder, the only thing not replaced was the brake lines. Well, it was leaking fluid all over the place by the time I got down 45 towards beltway 8, I had virtually no brakes, which is scary in rush hour traffic, heck its scary no matter where you are. So I pull into a freeway shop and the guys were fantastic, very nice, took a look at it and said ahh a brake line was not tightened enough, thank goodness, a sigh of relief. Well as they drive it around the brakes now go to all the way to the floor. OMG I had to get to class using my EMERGENCY BRAKE, now that is scary in rush hour traffic.
I didn't actually make it to class immediately. I stopped by the shop that did the brakes to begin with, literally by using the emergency brake and prayers, each time someone would get in front of me I prayed that I wouldn't have to stop suddenly. I made it to the shop, thank goodness. At this shop they gave me keys to a very run down car, that made me miss mine, but this one stopped-ya know it had brakes and all. So I make it to class only an hour late. Pretty soo after arriving my teacher gives us a break and since I only brought in a binder to the class, (which is normally all we need) I needed to go back to the car and get my books, because THIS time we were going over them ad nausuem (or however thats spelled) So I go out to my borrowed car and get my books. I walk up to the doors of the University and open one, well, I TRY to open them, EACH and EVERY one is locked THIS ONE TIME! I swear, I lost it. I tried every door the entire campus. Not a SINGLE one was open. Did I have a cell phone? No. purse? No. ANY WAY to contact anyone? NO! I banged on the door, I ranted, did I get in NO! I tell you it was a culmination of the entire night, I cried.
Then people showed up also trying to get in, they however had a way in. THANK GOD!
So I got in, thank goodness. I soon discovered in my absence that the class had ordered food, and I wasn't there to order it because I was having to deal with my car!
As I'm leaving my class, finally It starts to rain, (of course it does) and Traffic is at a standstill, the exact thing I didn't want because I wanted to get home! took forever, by the time I got home I was beyond stressed out and had to write this blog
I didn't actually make it to class immediately. I stopped by the shop that did the brakes to begin with, literally by using the emergency brake and prayers, each time someone would get in front of me I prayed that I wouldn't have to stop suddenly. I made it to the shop, thank goodness. At this shop they gave me keys to a very run down car, that made me miss mine, but this one stopped-ya know it had brakes and all. So I make it to class only an hour late. Pretty soo after arriving my teacher gives us a break and since I only brought in a binder to the class, (which is normally all we need) I needed to go back to the car and get my books, because THIS time we were going over them ad nausuem (or however thats spelled) So I go out to my borrowed car and get my books. I walk up to the doors of the University and open one, well, I TRY to open them, EACH and EVERY one is locked THIS ONE TIME! I swear, I lost it. I tried every door the entire campus. Not a SINGLE one was open. Did I have a cell phone? No. purse? No. ANY WAY to contact anyone? NO! I banged on the door, I ranted, did I get in NO! I tell you it was a culmination of the entire night, I cried.
Then people showed up also trying to get in, they however had a way in. THANK GOD!
So I got in, thank goodness. I soon discovered in my absence that the class had ordered food, and I wasn't there to order it because I was having to deal with my car!
As I'm leaving my class, finally It starts to rain, (of course it does) and Traffic is at a standstill, the exact thing I didn't want because I wanted to get home! took forever, by the time I got home I was beyond stressed out and had to write this blog
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Another Blog
I have another blog at http://www.xanga.com/ucanfindme
I like this ones templates better but I don't seem to keep this one up as well, so check out that one if you care to.
I like this ones templates better but I don't seem to keep this one up as well, so check out that one if you care to.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Trying to blog
I try to blog and it never seems to work out...
The addage is try try again, so here is my trial.
The addage is try try again, so here is my trial.
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